Parenting in 2020 - however you do it is OK, we’ll tell you why

When we set up the Kind Mind for parents, like us and for us, we never thought we’d be needing to consider the current challenges we all now face. We wanted to offer a haven from parenting advice given to you by others; by experts; by well meaning family members. Instead to be guided more by your own values, and equip you with tools to do this your way. We saw this as a journey. And one that would take time for you, your partner and family. We created workshops to support this; a few hours in a group in an evening to understand your child’s developmental stage, what was most important to you and how you could be the parent you wanted to be.

Fast forward to now, and from this week we know many parents are going to be at home with their children 24/7. No one is likely to feel great about this, given the circumstances, and people are likely to be reacting in different ways. You may be gearing yourself up for the challenge, maybe you’ve been googling home activities; daily planners are at the ready, and have a full online timetable worked out. You may be apprehensive, anxious and unsure how you’re going to juggle parenting and work. And all when you’re feeling already exhausted from taking on the week’s events. Already so exhausted! And here’s the thing, all this is going to affect you in the moment when you are trying to be the parent you want to be over the next few weeks. There will be times when you will succeed in this, and there will be times when you fail. Accepting this early on might do you more favours than striving for a 100% pass rate, not even an 80:20 ratio, we’re going for 50:50.

This is because just processing all of the current events is not something our brains are particularly well set up to do, and like us, you may be struggling. Right now, our rational and emotional parts of our brain are in the middle of a particularly dramatic Argentine Tango. Your rational left hand side is trying to piece all the corona jigsaw pieces together (without directly touching them), whilst your right hand side is running off with them and locking itself in a cupboard under the stairs.

Behavioural science and psychology can offer you some comfort for coping with this, and also why it will all be ok. Yes, failing to be the perfect parent is going to be ok. Even if you have some days when nothing gets done, and you feel like all is in ruin - the law of time and a few simple principles about children’s emotional and behavioural development will see you through. And you’ll be sticking to your core value in life - putting your child’s well being and health first.

We would advocate even- at times it may be more than ok. Firstly, experiences that are unusual, and sometimes scary or even traumatic can help build resilience in your children and you as their parents. You can model to them through this how to cope with adversity, change and tolerating the unknown.

In today’s society this can be a life lesson not readily available on such a scale. However it’s not one we asked for, and certainly not one we needed to play out in this uncertain self - isolating nation-wide experiment. Therefore, at this time, be reassured that the context you are currently in, comes into play. This allows you to do things differently in how you might respond as a parent, and this will be different for each one of us as what matters most to us to keep our houses in order. And this current time line is so different to anything any of us have known. The motivating operations behind what we do (a bit like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain pulling the shots), have just been pulled from under us; what is available to us as a choice or autonomy dramatically reduced. When you are in this kind of state, the status quo is such that you may need to employ strategies that just allow you some head space, (or some time to meet a deadline!). This might look different in each of your houses - maybe it might be more screen time than usual, it might be non bending rules of school work first, then free time, it might be having favoured activities or treats more than normal. For younger learners it may include sitting on a cushion in front of Cbeebies with a packet of buttons for more than an hour (yes that happens in our houses too!)

The science behind why this is ok is that the context has changed. You will not be used to spending so much time together, so the need to have breaks or time away from each other will be needed. You can not leave your house. This is not normal. Your child will not be in a class of other children, therefore their need to spend 40 minutes on each educational activity will change. And their brains are also doing the argentine tango, (or maybe some other much cooler street dance) like ours. So, if your child finds relaxation through watching their favourite tv programme, or chatting to friends on a video call or playing a computer game, this is completely fine. It is not going to harm them in the long term if they do this more, and if they do this during the day during “school time” as this will be part of their learning history for this particular point in time when the world has closed for business. When the world reopens again their context once more will change and normal life will resume. Any associations they build up during this time of doing what they want, or free time in the house, will be trumped by the fact they can go out again, can have more freedom again. In a nutshell, don’t spend your time worrying about the future effects on their behaviour, just look at what you all need to get through today.

The second important thing about the motivating operations going on behind the scenes, is what you will need to ensure you are able to function at your best. Allow yourself the flexibility you deserve, and look after yourself with routine, and your own self-care activities which help you find some balance. This is particularly important for our minds right now, so don’t feel guilty for doing these things for you. Finding the balance is like the middle ground between our right and left brains, it helps us to integrate our experience, make sense of it and be less reactive, and choose how we want to respond. And like we said earlier, our children will see this, and this in itself will become a model for them. The message they will see is “this is what is in our sphere of control right now, let’s concentrate on that and let’s do that together”. Look for something in your shared experiences, even if it’s the smallest thing, find something each day you’re grateful for, and express this to each other.

Over the coming weeks when we can, we will try and post ideas for self care, mindfulness, and values based parenting. We’re investigating webinars in place of our workshops, and will post anything coming up here. Please let us know if there’s anything you think might be helpful. We are wishing all parents a good first week in this new world we find ourselves in. Above all else, be kind to yourself, and remember 50:50 - we’ll all have some good and some bad days - and this will all be ok.